This priceless post is from the mind of Joel Gross here. How he eats with his tongue so firmly entrenched in his cheek, I know not.
Fair warning: Those readers without a sense of humor and ardent feminists (usually one in the same) should stop reading now!
Joel Gross writes:
In anticipation of my future divorces, I have designed myself the ideal prenuptial agreement (“prenup”). I posted it online so that anyone else who wishes to have a prenup can get one as well. Why would I want a prenup? Prenups are vital for every man (and sane woman - all seventeen of them worldwide) to have. My observations have shown me that most people I know who get married eventually want to get divorced, and if they lack a good prenuptial agreement, they can’t get one. So I have created the IRONCLAD PRENUP that will protect myself from every potential eventuality that could possibly happen. Plato, I would appreciate your advice on said prenup.
THE IRONCLAD PRENUPTIAL AGREEMENT AS DESIGNED BY THE KING OF AMERICA:
THIS PRENUPTIAL AGREEMENT, made this GULLIBLE day of HOPEFULLY NEVER,
is between THE KING OF AMERICA and HIS MAIN CHICK/DUDE (if I end up swinging that way).
1. PURPOSE. Said Parties expect to get hitched sometime soon. Each has a bunch of junk that they want to try to protect. The parties are setting forth in this prenuptial agreement their respective rights in and to all property of either owned at the date of their behitchment and in and to all property that may be acquired by either or both of them after their behitchment. They are also setting forth their rights regarding spousal support or maintenance. The King of America shall in no way, shape or form, ever give any money, support or his family jewels to any woman/man/girl/boy/grandma/cripple. He reserves the right to claim every possession at his discretion of the other Party to this prenup.
2. JURISDICTION: This prenuptial agreement is to be solemnly respected by every local, state and federal court in the United States, as well as any international courts or courts in any other country (because the American imperialist society extends its reach globally).The only Court that may overturn this prenup agreement is the Court of the King of America (where the judge, jury and executioner are all the King of America himself).
3. FUTURE MULTIPLE WIVES: King of America will actively be lobbying for polygamyand/or polyamory. If said state of affairs becomes legal, this Prenup Agreement shall include all future partners/wives/hubbies/CHICKs. Merely dating the King of America shall trigger this prenup agreement and all of the clauses held within.
4. WEIGHT GAIN PROVISION: If the MAIN CHICK puts on more than 15 pounds from the agreed upon weight in Exhibit 3, divorce will commence automatically and the King of America will immediately take full possession of everything jointly owned.
5. CRIMINAL ACTIVITIES CLAUSE: The King of America occasionally commits crimes and has his partner and main influence, the CHICK will bear all legal responsibility including fines and prison time and the death penalty. The CHICK will face all of its own music if it messes up.
6. HOTTER WOMAN PROVISION: If the King of America manages to trick a better looking woman into liking him and is not yet able to have multiple marriages, he can trigger this provision to automatically take all assets and dump said CHICK on her sorry ass.
7. AGE PROVISION: The automatic divorce clause will be triggered upon said CHICK reaching the age of 40 or every 10 years, whichever comes first.
8. TRUST CLAUSE: The King of America’s word is to be taken as the highest form of evidence in any sort of court proceeding, taking precedence over any form of witness, audio, video or photographic evidence.
9. LAZY SLACKER WIFE CLAUSE: If CHICK stops bringing home the dough to support the King of America’s habits (said habits include heavy drinking, blog writing, nepotism, cocaine abuse, driving nice cars, pretending he’s an airplane, chasing homeless people, etc.), the King of America can trigger this clause to force the CHICK to work much harder with the use of so-called “domestic abuse.”
10. LACK OF LUVIN’ ITEM: The King of America requires a certain minimum amount of ‘quality time’ and may at any time sleep with others or leave his current woman for lack thereof.
11. SERIOUS DISEASE PROVISION: The PRENUPTIAL AGREEMENT most definitely is not “in sickness or health”- if said CHICK becomes ill (cancer, broken leg, common cold), automatic divorce proceedings begin.
12. SPOUSAL ABUSE: If the King of America is ever accused of any form of domestic abuse, the King of America is to be immediately immediately acquitted and pardoned without any trial or even showing up for hearings. Spousal abuse allegations made by the King of America are to be automatically respected and be just cause for immediate divorce, no matter how ridiculous the King of America may sound (ex: “She killed me and defiled my body before I was resurrected by the Holy Spirit so I could come get my vengeance!”).
13. EFFECT OF PRENUPTIAL AGREEMENT. This prenuptial Agreement shall take effect only upon the solemnization of the behitchment between the parties. What the hell is solemnization? Does that mean I have to consummate my marriage for this thing to work? What if I’m impotent? Thereafter, the King of America shall separately retain all rights in the property he now owns, including all appreciation, as well as property and income acquired separately in the future (”Separate Property”), and he shall have the unrestricted right to dispose of such Separate Property, free and clear of any claim that may be made by the other by reason of their behitchment and with the same effect as if no behitchment had been consummated between them. Mmm.. consummation… Separate Property shall include substitutions and exchanges for such property now in existence, and income and property acquired separately hereafter, and any proceeds therefrom, and from any income derived from such property, and any property purchased from the proceeds or income from such property. Separate property shall also include gifts or inheritances one party receives from a third party. The King of America reserves all right to his partners income, property, inheritances and gifts.
14. DISPOSITION OF PROPERTY. In the event the King of America should desire to sell, encumber (I don’t desire to participate in weird sex acts), convey or otherwise dispose of or realize upon his or her (in case of sex change) Separate Property or any part or parts thereof, the other will, upon request, join in such deeds, bills of sale, mortgages, renunciations of survivorship or other rights created by law or otherwise, or other instruments, as the party desiring to sell, encumber, convey or otherwise dispose or realize upon may request and as may be necessary and appropriate. Once again, this provision only provides protection for the King of America.
15. JOINT PROPERTY, ETC. This prenuptial Agreement does not restrict, prohibit or condition any conveyance or transfer by the parties, or either of them alone, of the Separate Property of either party into tenancy in common, joint tenancy, tenancy by the entireties or any other form of concurrent and/or undivided estate or ownership between the parties, or the acquisition of any property in any such form of ownership by the parties. The incidents and attributes of ownership and other rights of the parties with respect to any property so conveyed, transferred or acquired shall be determined under State law and shall not be governed by or otherwise determined with reference to this Agreement.
16. SEPARATE PROPERTY. The parties agree that the rights and obligations created by this prenuptial Agreement have monetary value to each of the parties and each of the parties agrees to make no claim to the Separate Property of the other party, either during the joint lives of the parties hereto or thereafter, and, if a party is not a prevailing party (as may be legally finally determined) with respect to any such claim, to indemnify the other party against all costs, fees and expenses arising from any such claim.
17. WAIVER OF RIGHTS. Except as otherwise provided in this prenup Agreement, each party hereby waives, releases and relinquishes any and all right, title or interest whatsoever, whether arising by common law or present or future statute of any jurisdiction or otherwise, in the Separate Property and probate estate of the other, including but not limited to distribution in intestacy, the right of election to take against the will of the other, any rights accruing by reason of events occurring prior to their behitchment, and any right to dower, curtesy, statutory allowances, and spousal support. Such waiver, release and relinquishment shall not apply and is not effective with respect to any rights or entitlements a party may have as a surviving spouse under the Social Security laws or with respect to any other governmental benefit or governmental program of assistance. This prenup Agreement shall not limit the right of either party to make such transfers of property to the other as he or she may wish during their respective lifetimes, or by will, or to acquire property jointly or in any other form of ownership referenced in section 4.
18. DISSOLUTION/SEPARATION/ANNULMENT. Except as otherwise provided in this prenup Agreement, each party specifically agrees that neither shall make any claim for or be entitled to receive any money or property from the other as alimony, spousal support, or maintenance in the event of separation, annulment, dissolution or any other domestic relations proceeding of any kind or nature, and each of the parties waives and relinquishes any claim for alimony, spousal support or maintenance, including, but not limited to, any claims for services rendered, work performed, and labor expended by either of the parties during any period of cohabitation prior to the behitchment and during the entire length of the behitchment. The waiver of spousal support shall apply to claims both pre and post-judgment. The #14 DISSOLUTION clause only applies to CHICK. King of America is exempt of course.
19. SLEEP: If said CHICK is ever caught asleep by the King of America, the King of America cannot be held responsible.
20. COHABITATION. Each party waives any and all rights or claims existing now or hereafter existing with reference to any period of cohabitation, if any, prior to the behitchment of the parties, including, but not limited to, any claim to real or personal property.
21. ERISA RIGHTS. Each party specifically waives any right, whether created by statute or otherwise, to pension, profit-sharing, or other retirement benefits earned by or credited to toe other, including, but not limited to, any joint or survivorship rights and any right which might arise in the event of the parties’ separation or the dissolution of the behitchment. Following the solemnization of the parties’ behitchment, each party shall execute such waivers or other documents as the other may reasonably request to evidence such waiver. Once again, only applies to CHICK.
22. FINANCIAL DISCLOSURE. CHICK is to immediately forfeit all assets to the King of America. King of America will never tell anyone of his gold stash in Nigeria.
23. RIGHT TO CONTEST. Nothing contained herein shall limit the right of either party to contest any domestic relations suit between the parties or to file a countersuit against the other party; However, in any hearing on such suit, this prenuptial Agreement shall be considered a full and complete settlement of all property rights between the parties. In such case, neither party shall maintain any claim or demand whatsoever against the other for property, suit money, attorney fees and costs which is either inconsistent with or not provided for in this prenuptial Agreement.
24. INTEGRATION. This prenup Agreement sets forth the entire prenup agreement between the parties with regard to the subject matter hereof. All prior prenup agreements, covenants, representations, and warranties, expressed or implied, oral or written, with respect to the subject matter hereof, are contained herein. All prior or contemporaneous conversations, negotiations, possible and alleged agreements, representations, covenants, and warranties, with respect to the subject matter hereof, are waived, merged, and superseded hereby. This is an integrated agreement.
25. BINDING ON SUCCESSORS. Each and every provision hereof shall inure to the benefit of and shall be binding upon the heirs, assigns, personal representatives, and all successors in the interest of the parties.
26. SEVERABILITY. In the event any provision of this prenup Agreement is deemed to be void, invalid, or unenforceable, that provision shall be severed from the remainder of this prenup Agreement so as not to cause the invalidity or unenforceability of the remainder of this prenup Agreement. All remaining provisions of this prenup Agreement shall then continue in full force and effect. If any provision shall be deemed invalid due to its scope or breadth, such provision shall be deemed valid to the extent of the scope and breadth permitted by law.
27. PARAGRAPH HEADINGS. The headings of particular paragraphs and subparagraphs are inserted only for convenience and are not part of this prenup Agreement and are not to act as a limitation on the scope of the particular paragraph to which the heading refers.
28. FAMILY MEMBER MARRIAGE: The King of America reserves the right to marry any family member of his family or any family member of his spouses family at any time, no matter what local police officials say is the so-called “law.”
29. MODIFICATION. This prenup Agreement may be modified, superseded, or voided only upon the written agreement of the the King of America. Further, the physical destruction or loss of this prenup Agreement shall not be construed as a modification, unless King of America uses it as toilet paper in a fit of rage.
30. ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS. Each party acknowledges that he or she has had an adequate opportunity to read and study this prenup Agreement, to consider it, to consult with attorneys individually selected by each party, without any form of coercion, duress or pressure. Each party acknowledges that he or she has examined the prenup Agreement before signing it, and has been advised by independent legal counsel concerning the rights, liabilities and implications of this document.
31. MANDATORY EXTENSION CLAUSE: The King of America may at any time extend this agreement to include anyone he wishes, whether they agree to it or not. He’s the King of America, what are you going to do about it?!
Amazing. The King of America has written and approved this vital document and it has his official seal attached. Never question the great genius held herein. Prenuptial agreements are vital for every man and if you would like one written, please contact me immediately so that your assets can be protected and defended.
#2 Funny Prenuptial Agreement
Bubba’s Handy Dandy Prenuptial Agreement:This here is a potential legal document that ought to be taken serious. It just might be binding in a court of law iffin’ it is signed and dated by both parties and yer lawyer.———————————————————————————————————-
For The Man o’ The House:
What’s mine is mine and that means a wife don’t touch, don’t snoop through, and by all means don’t tell the locals what all we gots and ain’t gots.
Property: All buildings, shacks, trailers, sheds, motorized transportation, land, huntin’ tools, corn stills, and animals are to stay in the possession of the Man o’ The House iffin’ the woman goes a wandering off playing in another’s pasture.
Child Support: Iffin’ they don’t look like me, I ain’t supporting ‘em in the event the wife partakes in wandering off the marital property.
Money: The Man o’ The House earns it so he gets to keep it. ‘Nough said!
Mother In Law Rules: Must abide by the 500 mile restraining order that will be taken out upon the day of the marriage. Postal mail will be permitted if weekly financial assistance is abided by.
———————————————————————————————————-
For The Little Woman:
Iffin’ you came into this marriage with clothes on your back and kids from yer previous marriage you get to keep ‘em.
Housework: You agree to keep a looking good, cook, clean, tend to the land, garden, livestock, keep repairs up on the homestead, and be aimin’ to please yer man at the drop of a dime.
Man o’ The House Signature:___________________________ Date: _____________
Little Woman’s Signature: _____________________________ Date: _____________
Lawyer Signature: ____________________________________ Date: _____________
Funny Prenup #3
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 25, 2009
Boudreaux & Thibodaux - Cajun Prenup
Thank my daddy for sending this one!~~~
@@@
Boudreaux done got old and his children done parked him at one’a dem old folks’ homes near Breaux Bridge. At Shady Acres, Boo meets him a lovely lady from Texas, and bein’ a fine upstanding Catlick, him didn’t wanna do nuttin’ against his religion. Derefore (Therefore), ol’ Mr. Boudreaux axed (asked) for her hand trew (through) a proper marriage proposal.
Now, Boudreaux and Mabel were in dere (their) 80s. Mabel tells everyone at Shady Acres the good news. Miss Claudine, Mabel’s best friend, tells Mabel since she’s so wealthy, and da person she was about to jump da broom wit (Cajun wedding tradition) isn’t worth a plug nickel, she should git (get) her a prenuptial agreement, yeah.
Mabel’s swingin’ on da porch swing wit Boo, and she tells him she’ll jump da broom wit him if he’ll sign a prenup.
Boudreaux, him say to his lady love and betrothed, “I don’ know what dat is, but I’ll sign anyting you want, ’cause I love you dat much and more!”
Mabel, gets out her pen and paper to get started. She reads out to Boudreaux, “I want to keep my house down in Texas with all the oil wells.”
Boo says, “Dat’s fine wit me. I’ll keep my shack on da bayou.”
“I want to keep my Cadillac, BMW and Lexus.” Mabel holds Boo’s hand in case he’s getting worried or put off.
Boo smiles, squeezes her hand and says, “Dat’s fine wit me. I’ll keep my pick-em-up truck.”
“I want to keep my yacht that’s moored near my summer home in Padre Island…”
“Okay, dat’s fine wit me. I got my pirough.”
“Okay, Mr. Boo, I want to keep all my jewelry too.”
“Dat’s fine wit me. I’ll keep my stuffed deer head.”
“Thank you, honey. Now, one more thing; I wanna have sex six times a week!”
“Hey, Mabel, dat’s fine wit me too, yeah! Put me down for Fridays, sha (cher).”
*Photo posted first here.
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