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It is very difficult to wrap your brain around the warped reality of abusers.  Quite frankly one wonders why they insist on creating such constant drama.  It must be exhausting.  For pity’s sake, go lay in a hammock and chill.  Read a book.  Aren’t there better things to do than to live in a bad B movie day after day?

Their motivation is quite simple.  And primitive.  Can you say arrested development?  Never understood why that was not a jailable offense.  Oh wait, – in their case,  it is… But I digress.

Despite the muddied waters created by federally sponsored psychological and sociological research, strident (and oh so tired) feminist theories, the hue and cry from organizations founded by men crying persecution - men that hit women, children and animals (i.e. smaller living beings) do it for POWER and CONTROL.  The power and control gains him ownership.  Then the genius sets about to destroy that which he owns.  Does that make any sense?

Boys, you are merely sad cartoon characters. And ladies, no one that displays any of the traits listed below, is worthy of the benefit of the doubt.  Those of you reading this – caught in his web of lunacy and cycle of violence – have got to run like hell. Today. The only place he belongs is in your rear view mirror or in jail. There are people just waiting to see you through.  You just have to make the call.  Call me, call anyone, call 911, call a taxi – just get out the house.   We will find a way.  Do you really want to waste one more day cowering in the darkness?  He doesn’t own you. He certainly does not love you.  Get the money, the children, the pets, the paperwork, take the better car…and step.  One day, very soon, you are going to look back and think “what the hell was I thinking?  That man was crazy as hell…”

The List:

1.  Heavy drinking or drug abuse, especially if the substances are his excuse: “The alcohol made me do it.”  Yeah, and the devil too.

2.  Abuse during the courtship period is a guarantee of further abuse.  It will grow in frequency and severity.  He will wear you down.  That is not love – love builds you up, it does not tear you down.  Do not, repeat, do not marry him thinking you can change him.  You won’t.  You can’t change people.  C’mon, that is basic common sense 101.

3.  Morbid jealousy. What appears to be flattering attention initially, molds into an obsessive, unrelenting curse all too soon.  You will never convince him of your innocence for the imagined transgressions you have committed.

4. Past child abuse and/or witness to marital violence.  Children learn what they live. Boys tend to emulate their fathers.  Abused children discipline their own children as they were taught. He may be a “violence carrier.”  You can’t fix him.  Leave it to the professionals.  Or God – just not you.

5. Inability to handle frustration.  If he blows up like a two year old, explodes at the least little thing, and throws tantrums over minor things, he will likely act out his frustration with violence in a marriage.  The way he handles his anger is a key indicator.

6.  A violent temper. This speaks for itself.  If you feel fear when he gets angry, that is a warning signal.  Listen to the voices in your head and in your heart.  See the red flashing lights of alarm all around you.  Denial is a dead end street.

7. Cruelty to animals in any degree, abuse and mistreatment to your pets, enjoyment of the killing of hunted animals merely for the sake of killing.  What make you think he will treat you or your children any differently?

8.  Preoccupation with weapons. They are an extension of self.  If he ever “playfully” points a gun at you or other any weapon, imagine him angry and armed. Get out!

9. Mental illness. A person of unsound mind, no sense of moral responsibility or guilt, will find it difficult to control his actions.  Does he act in ways that you feel are abnormal or strange?

10. Poor self-image and insecurity about his own masculinity.  If he compulsively needs to dominate and/or monitor conversations, schedules, visitors, must always have the upper hand -  you will, sooner than later, be the subject of his control.  He will consider you his possession.  Remember POWER and CONTROL.  He truly believes he has the right to treat you as his property, to do with as he pleases. (See any definition for sociopath.)

11. Nothing is ever his fault.  Ever.  His problems are everyone else’s fault, starting with his wife or girlfriend.  It is a never ending pattern.  Because he will neither acknowledge his faults nor take responsibility when things go wrong, you, the children and the dog will be held responsible.

12.  Violence to him is normal.  It is how he solves problems.  When you were a little girl dreaming of your future husband – is this what you had in mind?

13.  Isolating his wife from family and friends, monitoring and unplugging her phone, criticizing her friends and family, taking the keys, clocking her time out of the house…and then staying out as he pleases with nary an explanation.

The Why Factor

After combing through mountains of research, reports, posts, studies, evaluations, and anything else I could get my hands on to explain how a batterer’s brain works – I found Brian Nichols. He is the Public Policy Team Manager for the wonderful group Men Stopping Violence Inc., from Atlanta, Georgia.  I hope to interview him soon because their program is having great success with respect to batterer intervention and rehabilitation. His article – Why Do Men Batter?- cuts through the many dissenting, disparate, often angry, voices that espouse their varied and inopposite opinions and theories on this topic.  He brought the question of a batterer’s motivation in for a clear landing.

Battering is not an inability to express feelings or wants, but a method by which a man does so.  When a man hits or yells at a woman, that is a choice he makes. No person or circumstance can make a man attack his partner verbally or physically. There are circumstances which may increase the likelihood that a man will batter, but no circumstances make it inevitable that a man will make abusive choices. This means that explanations of battering which are interpersonal, such as communication issues or provocation, are inaccurate. Men, rather than circumstances, are responsible for abusive choices. Thus, an accurate explanation of battering would account for the reasons men make the choice to batter rather than an outside force that causes them to batter. In short, men batter to gain power and control over another person. This explanation is profound in that it frames individual acts of violence within a pattern of behavior. The explanation of power and control has become, however, something of a cliché, and its larger implications are overlooked. One often overlooked implication is that battering is purposeful. Men choose behavior in a systematic way in order to gain power and control. There is a function to a man’s battering. That is, men batter in the short term to get a woman to do what he wants or to stop her from doing something. When a man yells at a woman, criticizing her, he knows what effect his behavior will have on her. In the short term, his yelling will cause fear and pain, and in the longer term he will destroy her personhood so that he can have power and control over her. Men who batter know and choose the effects of battering. This is disturbing because it leaves us with the question, why do men want power and control?

This article is written to the women in abusive relationships that need immediate encouragement to take that first step out of the house. Those in life threatening situations. Those that are petrified. It is only after all parties are safe and cooler (and saner) heads prevail, that we can address the remedies, rehabilitation and healing necessary for all parties.Men Stopping Violence, Inc. demonstrates there is hope for drastic change for all concerned.  I truly believe that and shall present more on the topic very shortly. My deepest thanks to Bette Midler, Goldie Hawn, Diane Keaton, Martina McBride.  God Bless you all for keeping it real.

Related posts:

1. Knock Knock, Father … I’m forgetting who you are
2. Don’t Get Help, Domestic Violence is Not in the Budget
3. The Battered Woman’s Defense