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If stupidity was a crime, this witness would be in jail for life

Constance Camus — Fri, 12 Aug 2011 05:08:57 +0000

Not all witnesses are scholars, you know…but this is ridiculous.

CLERK: Please repeat after me: “I swear by Almighty God…”

WITNESS: I swear by Almighty God.

For when one palm doesn't cut it

CLERK: That the evidence that I give…

WITNESS: That’s right.

CLERK: Repeat it.

WITNESS: Repeat it.

CLERK: No! Repeat what I said.

WITNESS: What you said when?

CLERK: That the evidence that I give…

WITNESS: That the evidence that I give.

CLERK: Shall be the truth and…

WITNESS: It will, and nothing but the truth!

CLERK: Please, just repeat after me: “Shall be the truth and…”

WITNESS: I’m not a scholar, you know.

CLERK: We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me:

“Shall be the truth and…”

WITNESS: Shall be the truth and.

CLERK: Say: “Nothing…”.

WITNESS: Okay. (Witness remains silent.)

CLERK: No! Don’t say nothing. Say: “Nothing but the truth…”

WITNESS: Yes.

CLERK: Can’t you say: “Nothing but the truth…?”

WITNESS: Yes.

CLERK: Well? Do so.

WITNESS: You’re confusing me.

CLERK: Just say: “Nothing but the truth…”

WITNESS: Is that all?

CLERK: Yes.

WITNESS: Okay. I understand.

CLERK: Then say it.

WITNESS: What?

CLERK: “Nothing but the truth…”

WITNESS: But I do! That’s just it.

CLERK: You must say: “Nothing but the truth…”

WITNESS: I WILL say nothing but the truth!

CLERK: Please, just repeat these four words:

“Nothing,” “But,” “The” “Truth.”

WITNESS: What? You mean, like, now?

CLERK: Yes! Now. Please. Just say those four words.

WITNESS: “Nothing. But. The. Truth.”

CLERK: Thank you.

WITNESS: I’m just not a scholar you know…

- From a case in Alabama

Who’s on First? A Coen Brothers Courtroom

Constance Camus — Fri, 12 Aug 2011 04:12:12 +0000

Coen Brothers nail the state of many of our courtrooms today – the state of confusion. (May have to view on YouTube bit well worth the extra keystroke.)

Depositions Gone Awry

Constance Camus — Fri, 12 Aug 2011 03:24:12 +0000

This video is from the National Court Reporter’s Inc. site.

Carol Burnett as Court Clerk – Hilarious Video

Constance Camus — Thu, 11 Aug 2011 22:41:46 +0000

What Type of Family Law Attorney Do You Really Need: Lamb, Pit Bull, or Fox?

Constance Camus — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 23:19:25 +0000

Potential clients often want to know “what type of lawyer” we are. What they are really wondering is “are you aggressive enough” for them (whatever that might mean in that person’s mind). The problem is that the vast majority of the time, potential clients don’t really know what type of lawyer they truly need for their case. All too often, clients mistakenly believe that they need the most aggressive attorney to be found to handle their case, when in all actuality, hiring such a person will do nothing but make their case last longer, cost more, and potentially end with worse results.

One of the premier family law bloggers, Michael Sherman, wrote an excellent article several months ago discussing this very issue. He analyzed the different styles that family law attorneys utilize in representing their clients, particularly what he classifies as “the lamb, the pit bull and the fox.” Michael absolutely nailed this issue, and I couldn’t agree more with his assessment of this issue. His observations of these personas are listed below:

Lamb Lawyer

The lamb is the lawyer that just sort of goes with the flow. They are reactive, not proactive. They want to avoid confrontation at all costs and that means they also want to avoid going to court at all costs, even if it means convincing their clients to settle for significantly worse terms than they should. The lamb may even be afraid to try the divorce case. He will rarely, if ever, tell his client that he should not sign a settlement offer that is being extended from the other side even if that offer is clearly inequitable. Thankfully, there are not a lot of lambs that last very long as divorce lawyers.

Much more prevalent is the pit bull, who is exactly the opposite. They hate to settle cases. In fact, some of them won’t do anything proactive to try to settle their divorce cases. It is almost as if they take some type of perverse joy in seeing the “blood running in the streets.”

Pit Bull Lawyer

The truth is that often they do this simply to develop and maintain a reputation as “Bad Leroy Brown…baddest man in the whole damn town.” When a spouse is angry and in the emotional stage of wanting to exact revenge, they want to be the name on everyone’s lips when that aggrieved spouse asks their neighbor who is the meanest SOB in town. And, so they work hard to maintain that reputation because it makes them a lot of money.

The sad part is that acting like a pit bull is rarely, if ever, in their own client’s best interests. Of course, the pit bull’s main concern is not their client. If you know anything about pit bulls, you will know that they are very aggressive and vicious. But, they are not thinking animals. They act only on instinct. When they fight, they not only destroy the dog they are fighting, but by their own actions hurt themselves and anything else around them (which often includes their own client’s and their client’s children). The pit bull is aggressive for the sake of being aggressive, not for any long-term benefit it brings their client. Often people going through divorce will think they need an aggressive lawyer to represent them in their divorce. They are wrong. What they need is a lawyer who is assertive. There is a difference. It is the difference between the pit bull and the fox.

Wily Fox Lawyer

The fox is wise and cunning. He sees the big picture. The fox is assertive when he needs to be, compromising when it benefits his clients’ long-term best interests, and always aware of the many different consequences his actions have on his clients. He stands on principle. Yet, he is a strong advocate for his client when it promotes his client’s long-term best interests. He recognizes that reaching a fair settlement is always preferable to trying the case and leaving it up to the judge. Yet, he also knows that if a fair settlement is not forthcoming, then he must be willing and able to prepare to effectively litigate the case in court.

When choosing a divorce lawyer, you should avoid the lamb and the pit bull at all costs! Instead, find yourself a fox.

Source: ”The Style of Your Divoce Lawyer: The Lamb, the Pit Bull, and the Fox“ by Michael Sherman, published at his Alabama Family Law Blog and J. Benjamin Stevens