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The Battered Woman’s Defense

Constance Camus — Thu, 11 Aug 2011 22:05:35 +0000

Disclaimer: Do Not Try This at Home.

The great jazz singer Dinah Washington sings “Send Me to the Electric Chair” from her Bessie Smith album
c.1958

Dinah Washington

And by the Dixie Chicks, Goodbye Earl:

A Nurturing Soul Does Not Compute with a Sociopath

Constance Camus — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 13:51:23 +0000

Happened upon this insightful blog, Understanding Domestic Violence by Natalie Fleming, about why women stay in abusive relationships.

Many are often shocked to find an otherwise healthy and strong woman in an abusive situation and wonder why and how this happens.

This women is a nurturer. She has nurtured her own soul, conquered herself to find joy in the world.

She meets a man who seems to be so close to winning. He’s almost conquered himself. She finds great pleasure and joy in watching and taking part in the nurturing of other’s souls. She sees how beautiful he is. She wants him to win his inner battles. She wants to be a part of this great battle.

Prisoner of Domestic Violence

She sees his behavior change from kind and loving, to mean and cruel, and believes she is watching an inner battle of self being waged. She wants him to win the good fight. She sees the worth of his soul, and feels the battle is worth the wages.

This loving, nurturing woman joins the man in his own personal battle as a loving friend and wife.

But she doesn’t understand his swift mood changes from kind to cruel, are not representative of an internal battle over self, but merely manipulative behaviors, designed to gain power over others.

He is not battling over self control, but dominating the souls and hearts of others.

In the end, she finds herself in a painful powerless position having lost herself serving him, loving him, sacrificing for him, in the illusion he will be moved by her love to win.

But their is no battle within him. His heart is not moved. There is no battle to be won. She will lose everything in a quest that never was.

And the devil will rejoice in the crumbling of another soul, that was once previously strong.

Her whole life, her great quest to save her husband, is nothing but a lie.

Understanding Domestic Violence by Natalie Fleming

Know the Traits Common to Abusers

Constance Camus — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 18:28:47 +0000

This is an ageless article from Dear Abby with potentially lifesaving advice. Know the signs, listen to the voices. Trust your instincts.

Dear Readers: Yesterday I printed the feedback I received regarding a letter from “Smothered in Michigan,” a recently divorced mother of two. Her ex-husband had been an alcoholic. She’s now dating his “polar opposite” who “treats her like a queen” and is “loving, affectionate, generous and caring.”

Wolf in Sheeps Clothing

She went on to say he stops by her job “only a few” times a day, and the minute she’s home he shows up at her door. All her dinners are with him – he pays for everything – and he doesn’t leave until her kids go to bed. He spends every waking hour with her and accompanies her wherever she goes. She said she knows she should feel grateful, but instead feels “indebted, stalked, controlled and burdened.” Her question: “Am I just being selfish, and can I train myself to like being spoiled?”

I told her she and the man were overdue for a frank talk about personal space, that she’s still healing from her divorce, and he seems so smitten or insecure that he’s preventing her from figuring out where she ends and he begins.

Many readers felt she should listen to her intuition, that the man is a potential abuser, and the traits she listed are red flags.

Today I’ll share the classic warning signs of an abuser. Read on:

PUSHES FOR QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Comes on strong, claiming, “I’ve never felt loved like this by anyone.” An abuser presses for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.
JEALOUS: Excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work because “you might meet someone;” checks the mileage on your car.
CONTROLLING: Interrogates you intensely (especially if you’re late) about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.
UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Expects you to be the perfect mate and meet his or her every need.
ISOLATION: Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of “causing trouble.” The abuser may deprive you of a phone or car, or try to prevent you from holding a job.
BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS OR MISTAKES: It’s always someone else’s fault if something goes wrong.
MAKES OTHERS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OR HER FEELINGS: The abuser says, “You make me angry,” or “You’re hurting me by not doing what I tell you.”
HYPERSENSITIVITY: Is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really mad. Rants about the injustice of things that are just a part of life.
CRUELTY TO ANIMALS OR CHILDREN: Kills or punishes animals brutally. Also may expect children to do things far beyond their ability (whips a 3-year-old for wetting a diaper) or may tease them until they cry. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partner will also abuse children.
“PLAYFUL” USE OF FORCE DURING SEX: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you against your will during sex; finds the idea of rape exciting.
VERBAL ABUSE: Constantly criticizes or says blatantly cruel things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. This may also involve sleep deprivation, waking you with relentless verbal abuse.
RIGID GENDER ROLES: Expects you to serve, obey and remain at home.
SUDDEN MOOD SWINGS: Switches from sweet to violent in minutes.
PAST BATTERING: Admits to hitting a mate in the past, but says the person “made” him (or her) do it.
THREATS OF VIOLENCE: Says things like, “I’ll break your neck,” or “I’ll kill you,” then dismisses them with “Everybody talks that way” or “I didn’t really mean it.”

From Dear Abby (12/19/2007)

Temporary Protective Orders to be Heard via Video in Montgomery County

Constance Camus — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 11:01:15 +0000

Victims of domestic abuse in Montgomery County that take the first (and very brave) step to leave their abusers may now be alleviated from initially facing their abusers in court.

Evil Eye

It is terrifying for a victim of domestic violence to step outside the vicious cycle their life has become and file the legal documents necessary for a temporary protective order in a court of law. But studies have shown – and common sense dictates – that the prospect for the victim to present their case while the abuser is virtually standing next to them is unthinkable. Surely it has given many pause in coming forward. Bravo to the Montgomery County Family Justice Center and Foundation…may they lead the way across the country with this very significant step.

(ROCKVILLE, Md. — Sept. 28, 2009) Victims of domestic violence who come to the Montgomery County Family Justice Center (here is a great article about the Center) now have safer, easier access to justice. Thanks to a pilot program launched by the Maryland Judiciary, they can now file requests for temporary protective orders directly from the Family Justice Center and have their requests heard by judges at the Montgomery County Circuit or District Court by way of a live video link.

Video conferencing will be provided for temporary protective orders in Montgomery County courts that are ex parte — without notice to or the presence of the other party.

“The Judiciary is offering video conferencing as a way to help protect victims of domestic violence and improve access to and safety in our courthouses for all Marylanders,” said Chief Judge Ben C. Clyburn of the District Court of Maryland. “Victims no longer will have to leave the safety and security of the Family Justice Center to file petitions for protection. This will benefit victims, families and the general public we serve.”

The Montgomery County Family Justice Center opened this past spring in Rockville. Staff from the Montgomery County Sheriff’s Office, Office of State’s Attorney, Department of Health and Human Services, Montgomery County Police, House of Ruth and other private non-profits work together to provide services for domestic violence victims at the center, including help filing temporary protective orders. Protective orders generally apply to people in domestic relationships, and are issued by judges when petitioners have proved one of the following has occurred: an act that caused serious bodily harm or has placed the petitioner in fear of imminent bodily harm; an assault; rape or sexual offense; false imprisonment; or criminal stalking.

Last year, Montgomery County courts granted more than 1,850 temporary protective orders; statewide, more than 18,400 temporary protective orders were granted in Maryland’s courts.

“In addition to easier access to our courts, video conferencing reduces the danger to the victim of encountering the offender at or near the courthouse,” Judge Clyburn said. “This plan also provides more flexibility in scheduling temporary protective order cases, which is a more effective use of court time.” While they are waiting for their video hearing, victims can also receive other critical services at the Family Justice Center.

Video conferencing, which is operating as a pilot program at the Montgomery County courts, was developed in consultation with court officials, District and Circuit Court judges, the Clerk of the Circuit Court, court staff, Montgomery County government, members of the bar, other interested parties, vendors, and providers of video conferencing systems. Private funding for the equipment for this program was provided through a grant from the Verizon Wireless Hopeline Foundation.

The Montgomery County Family Justice Center also has a special room where children can play under the watch of trained volunteers. “Court buildings are not an ideal place for children, and video conferencing has an added benefit of helping to ease the stress on children, as well as reducing the disruption that is often caused by children in the courthouse or courtroom,” said Pam Harris, court administrator for the Montgomery County Circuit Court.

Family Justice Centers are fast becoming an accepted trend as they provide services for domestic violence victims at one location, enhancing their personal safety by reducing the number of places a victim has to go to receive services and minimizing barriers to services victims may face. These barriers include lack of transportation, child care, cultural issues, and language.

“Statistics have shown that the most vulnerable time for domestic violence victims is immediately following the issuance of a temporary protective order,” said Chief Deputy Darren Popkin of the Montgomery County Sheriff’s Office. “Nationwide, jurisdictions that have opened Family Justice Centers have shown a dramatic reduction in domestic related homicides among the victims that have sought services at the centers. By co-locating services, critical safety services can be coordinated by partners at the center.”

About three-quarters of people coming to Family Justice Centers throughout the United States ask for help with filing for a temporary protective order. The Judiciary has acted to improve access to services by including attorneys and advocates for domestic violence victims in courthouses across the state.

# # # # #

(Editor’s Note: For more information, contact the Maryland Judiciary Office of Communications and Public Affairs, (410) 260-1488.

Domestic Violence is Real

Constance Camus — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 12:44:50 +0000

This is an amazing and innovative domestic violence ad from Amnesty International that reacts and changes itself when you look at it. When you aren’t looking at the poster it shows an act of domestic violence between a couple. When you do look at the poster, a camera sensor activates and shows a couple pretending to be happy. The billboard works by scanning its proximity with an eye-tracking camera, which triggers an image switch on the display panel when it senses someone looking at it. The change only occurs after a brief delay, so that observers understand what’s going on, and presumably get the message.

Domestic Violence PSA

Make no mistake – domestic violence is real. If you see or hear it – report it.