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Knock Knock, Father … I’m forgetting who you are

Constance Camus — Tue, 24 May 2011 13:39:01 +0000

A powerful poet delivers a flawless message. One of the best parts in this phenomenal piece is when Mr. Beaty says: “Yes, we are our fathers’ sons and daughters, But we are not their choices.” So many young men and women need to hear and understand this truth. The truth is that children in dysfunctional families have a choice whether they will fall victim to their upbringing. Although a toxic household can crush their self-esteem, cloud their vision, and thwart normal loving relationships, the distortion of their natural instincts can be reversed. They must see the problems of their elders as an example of how not to conduct one’s self. By so doing, they are empowered and can set themselves free to become the person they were created to be. Healed and whole.

As a boy, I shared a game with my father—
Played it every morning till I was three.
He would knock knock on my door,
And I’d pretend to be asleep till he got right next to the bed.
Then I would get up and jump into his arms.
“Good morning, Papa.”
And my Papa, he would tell me that he loved me.
We shared a game,
Knock knock,
Until that day when the knock never came,
And my Mama takes me on a ride past cornfields
on this never-ending highway
Till we reach a place of high rusty gates.
A confused little boy,
I enter the building carried in my Mama’s arms.
Knock knock.
We reach a room of windows and brown faces.
Behind one of the windows sits my father.
I jump out of my Mama’s arms and run joyously towards my Papa’s,
Only to be confronted by this window.
I knock knock trying to break through the glass,
Trying to get to my father.
I knock knock as my Mama pulls me away
Before my Papa even says a word.
And for years, he has never said a word.
And so, 25 years later, I write these words
For the little boy in me who still awaits his Papa’s knock.
“Papa, come home, ‘cause I miss you.
I miss you waking me up in the morning and telling me you love me.
Papa, come home, ‘cause there’s things I don’t know,
And I thought maybe you could teach me
How to shave,
How to dribble a ball,
How to talk to a lady,
How to walk like a man.
Papa, come home, ‘cause I decided awhile back
I want to be just like you, but I’m forgetting who you are.”
And 25 years later, a little boy cries.
And so I write these words and try to heal
And try to father myself.
And I dream up a father
Who says the words my father did not.
“Dear son, I’m sorry I never came home.
For ever lesson I failed to teach, hear these words:
‘Shave in one direction with strong deliberate strokes
To avoid irritation.
Dribble the page with the brilliance of your ballpoint pen.
Walk like a God, and your Goddess will come to you.
No longer will I be there to knock on your door,
So you must learn to knock for yourself.
Knock knock down doors of racism and poverty that I could not.
Knock knock on doors of opportunity
For the lost brilliance of the black men who crowd these cells.
Knock knock with diligence for the sake of your children.
Knock knock for me.
For as long as you are free,
These prison gates cannot contain my spirit.
The best of me still lives in you.
Knock knock with the knowledge that you are my son,
But you are not my choices.”
Yes, we are our fathers’ sons and daughters,
But we are not their choices.
For despite their absences,
We are still here,
Still alive,
Still breathing,
With the power to change this world
One little boy and girl at a time.
Knock knock,
Who’s there?
We are.

Daniel Beaty

Poet, writer, performer

“Love is All You Need” sung in 156 Countries

Constance Camus — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 00:29:34 +0000

Redemption. An absolute total global redemption song, as it were, for Starbucks. Simply brilliant.

In one fell swoop, we all feel a bit better about the countless $4 coffees purchased from Starbucks. The company created their Love Project when on December 7, 2009, citizens of 156 countries united and sang “All You Need is Love” by the Beatles to spread AIDS awareness.

On December 3, 2009, Starbucks posted this notice on their YouTube channel:

In one amazing moment, the world will come together to sing about the one thing we all have in common love. People from around the world will sing the legendary hit “All You Need is Love” in a single voice on December 7, 2009 at 8:30 am EST. The global sing-along is part of our continuing efforts to help fight AIDS in Africa. In just one year in partnership with (RED)™, Starbucks has generated money equivalent to more than 7 million days of medicine to help those living with HIV in Africa.

You can watch the event, and lend your own voice, when you visit [StarbucksLoveProject.com]. Watch streaming video from countries around the world and then join in by singing “All You Need is Love” yourself. For each video submitted, Starbucks will make a contribution to the Global Fund to help fight against AIDS in Africa. You can also help increase the Starbucks contribution to the Global Fund by submitting a drawing to the Love Gallery.

His Holiness the Dalai Lama once said: “Among the many forms in which the human spirit has tried to express its innermost yearnings and perceptions, music is perhaps the most universal. It symbolizes the yearnings for harmony, with oneself and with others, with nature and with the spiritual and sacred within us and around us. There is something in music that transcends and unites. This is evident in the sacred music of every community – music that expresses the universal yearning that is shared by people all over the globe.”

Love is truly all there is…

Slavery is Over Ladies, He Does Not Own You …

Constance Camus — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 07:13:11 +0000

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It is very difficult to wrap your brain around the warped reality of abusers. Quite frankly one wonders why they insist on creating such constant drama. It must be exhausting. For pity’s sake, go lay in a hammock and chill. Read a book. Aren’t there better things to do than to live in a bad B movie day after day?

Their motivation is quite simple. And primitive. Can you say arrested development? Never understood why that was not a jailable offense. Oh wait, – in their case, it is… But I digress.

Despite the muddied waters created by federally sponsored psychological and sociological research, strident (and oh so tired) feminist theories, the hue and cry from organizations founded by men crying persecution - men that hit women, children and animals (i.e. smaller living beings) do it for POWER and CONTROL. The power and control gains him ownership. Then the genius sets about to destroy that which he owns. Does that make any sense?

Boys, you are merely sad cartoon characters. And ladies, no one that displays any of the traits listed below, is worthy of the benefit of the doubt. Those of you reading this – caught in his web of lunacy and cycle of violence – have got to run like hell. Today. The only place he belongs is in your rear view mirror or in jail. There are people just waiting to see you through. You just have to make the call. Call me, call anyone, call 911, call a taxi – just get out the house. We will find a way. Do you really want to waste one more day cowering in the darkness? He doesn’t own you. He certainly does not love you. Get the money, the children, the pets, the paperwork, take the better car…and step. One day, very soon, you are going to look back and think “what the hell was I thinking? That man was crazy as hell…”

The List:

1. Heavy drinking or drug abuse, especially if the substances are his excuse: “The alcohol made me do it.” Yeah, and the devil too.

2. Abuse during the courtship period is a guarantee of further abuse. It will grow in frequency and severity. He will wear you down. That is not love – love builds you up, it does not tear you down. Do not, repeat, do not marry him thinking you can change him. You won’t. You can’t change people. C’mon, that is basic common sense 101.

3. Morbid jealousy. What appears to be flattering attention initially, molds into an obsessive, unrelenting curse all too soon. You will never convince him of your innocence for the imagined transgressions you have committed.

4. Past child abuse and/or witness to marital violence. Children learn what they live. Boys tend to emulate their fathers. Abused children discipline their own children as they were taught. He may be a “violence carrier.” You can’t fix him. Leave it to the professionals. Or God – just not you.

5. Inability to handle frustration. If he blows up like a two year old, explodes at the least little thing, and throws tantrums over minor things, he will likely act out his frustration with violence in a marriage. The way he handles his anger is a key indicator.

6. A violent temper. This speaks for itself. If you feel fear when he gets angry, that is a warning signal. Listen to the voices in your head and in your heart. See the red flashing lights of alarm all around you. Denial is a dead end street.

7. Cruelty to animals in any degree, abuse and mistreatment to your pets, enjoyment of the killing of hunted animals merely for the sake of killing. What make you think he will treat you or your children any differently?

8. Preoccupation with weapons. They are an extension of self. If he ever “playfully” points a gun at you or other any weapon, imagine him angry and armed. Get out!

9. Mental illness. A person of unsound mind, no sense of moral responsibility or guilt, will find it difficult to control his actions. Does he act in ways that you feel are abnormal or strange?

10. Poor self-image and insecurity about his own masculinity. If he compulsively needs to dominate and/or monitor conversations, schedules, visitors, must always have the upper hand - you will, sooner than later, be the subject of his control. He will consider you his possession. Remember POWER and CONTROL. He truly believes he has the right to treat you as his property, to do with as he pleases. (See any definition for sociopath.)

11. Nothing is ever his fault. Ever. His problems are everyone else’s fault, starting with his wife or girlfriend. It is a never ending pattern. Because he will neither acknowledge his faults nor take responsibility when things go wrong, you, the children and the dog will be held responsible.

12. Violence to him is normal. It is how he solves problems. When you were a little girl dreaming of your future husband – is this what you had in mind?

13. Isolating his wife from family and friends, monitoring and unplugging her phone, criticizing her friends and family, taking the keys, clocking her time out of the house…and then staying out as he pleases with nary an explanation.

The Why Factor

After combing through mountains of research, reports, posts, studies, evaluations, and anything else I could get my hands on to explain how a batterer’s brain works – I found Brian Nichols. He is the Public Policy Team Manager for the wonderful group Men Stopping Violence Inc., from Atlanta, Georgia. I hope to interview him soon because their program is having great success with respect to batterer intervention and rehabilitation. His article – Why Do Men Batter?- cuts through the many dissenting, disparate, often angry, voices that espouse their varied and inopposite opinions and theories on this topic. He brought the question of a batterer’s motivation in for a clear landing.

Battering is not an inability to express feelings or wants, but a method by which a man does so. When a man hits or yells at a woman, that is a choice he makes. No person or circumstance can make a man attack his partner verbally or physically. There are circumstances which may increase the likelihood that a man will batter, but no circumstances make it inevitable that a man will make abusive choices. This means that explanations of battering which are interpersonal, such as communication issues or provocation, are inaccurate. Men, rather than circumstances, are responsible for abusive choices. Thus, an accurate explanation of battering would account for the reasons men make the choice to batter rather than an outside force that causes them to batter. In short, men batter to gain power and control over another person. This explanation is profound in that it frames individual acts of violence within a pattern of behavior. The explanation of power and control has become, however, something of a cliché, and its larger implications are overlooked. One often overlooked implication is that battering is purposeful. Men choose behavior in a systematic way in order to gain power and control. There is a function to a man’s battering. That is, men batter in the short term to get a woman to do what he wants or to stop her from doing something. When a man yells at a woman, criticizing her, he knows what effect his behavior will have on her. In the short term, his yelling will cause fear and pain, and in the longer term he will destroy her personhood so that he can have power and control over her. Men who batter know and choose the effects of battering. This is disturbing because it leaves us with the question, why do men want power and control?

This article is written to the women in abusive relationships that need immediate encouragement to take that first step out of the house. Those in life threatening situations. Those that are petrified. It is only after all parties are safe and cooler (and saner) heads prevail, that we can address the remedies, rehabilitation and healing necessary for all parties.Men Stopping Violence, Inc. demonstrates there is hope for drastic change for all concerned. I truly believe that and shall present more on the topic very shortly. My deepest thanks to Bette Midler, Goldie Hawn, Diane Keaton, Martina McBride. God Bless you all for keeping it real.

Divorce Humor: What the Hell Were You Thinking?

Constance Camus — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 20:49:30 +0000

Funny Divorce Letter about Poetic Justice

See Ya!

Anyone with an ex-husband, or about to have an ex-husband, should appreciate this video. By an ex-wife.

If you leave me, can I come too?

A photo tribute to IF YOU LEAVE ME…. the comedy song – with lyrics by Amanda Green and music by Skip Kennon – performed live at NYC’s Second Stage Theatre by Jesse Tyler Ferguson, accompanied by Tom Kitt. From the CD “Put a Little Love In Your Mouth: The Songs of Amanda Green.” Contact info: starfighterllc@aol.com. Video designed by Route Design Technology.

For Four Minutes 13,500 People Were United in Song in Trafalgar Square

Constance Camus — Fri, 05 Jun 2009 03:09:06 +0000

An Extraordinary Moment

In what is becoming a reoccurring theme in this legal blog, here is another example of people of the world united in song. Figure a balance is needed for all of us between the realities of legalities and our hope for a brighter future where no wrong exists. For four minutes, over 13,500 people were united in music in a sing-along of Hey Jude in Trafalgar Square. No wonder it is said that when we sing, we pray twice. Enjoy.