Related posts:

1. Domestic Violence is Real
2. When Getting Beaten By Your Husband Is A Pre-Existing Condition
3. Slavery is Over Ladies, He Does Not Own You …

Many are often shocked to find an otherwise healthy and strong woman in an abusive situation and wonder why and how this happens.

This women is a nurturer. She has nurtured her own soul, conquered herself to find joy in the world.

She meets a man who seems to be so close to winning. He’s almost conquered himself. She finds great pleasure and joy in watching and taking part in the nurturing of other’s souls. She sees how beautiful he is. She wants him to win his inner battles. She wants to be a part of this great battle.

Prisoner of Domestic Violence

She sees his behavior change from kind and loving, to mean and cruel, and believes she is watching an inner battle of self being waged. She wants him to win the good fight. She sees the worth of his soul, and feels the battle is worth the wages.

This loving, nurturing woman joins the man in his own personal battle as a loving friend and wife.

But she doesn’t understand his swift mood changes from kind to cruel, are not representative of an internal battle over self, but merely manipulative behaviors, designed to gain power over others.

He is not battling over self control, but dominating the souls and hearts of others.

In the end, she finds herself in a painful powerless position having lost herself serving him, loving him, sacrificing for him, in the illusion he will be moved by her love to win.

But their is no battle within him. His heart is not moved. There is no battle to be won. She will lose everything in a quest that never was.

And the devil will rejoice in the crumbling of another soul, that was once previously strong.

Her whole life, her great quest to save her husband, is nothing but a lie.

Understanding Domestic Violence by Natalie Fleming

Related posts:

1. Know the Traits Common to Abusers
2. Temporary Protective Orders to be Heard via Video in Montgomery County
3. New Maryland Domestic Violence Laws Signed Today by Governor

Dear Readers: Yesterday I printed the feedback I received regarding a letter from “Smothered in Michigan,” a recently divorced mother of two. Her ex-husband had been an alcoholic. She’s now dating his “polar opposite” who “treats her like a queen” and is “loving, affectionate, generous and caring.”

Wolf in Sheeps Clothing

She went on to say he stops by her job “only a few” times a day, and the minute she’s home he shows up at her door. All her dinners are with him – he pays for everything – and he doesn’t leave until her kids go to bed. He spends every waking hour with her and accompanies her wherever she goes. She said she knows she should feel grateful, but instead feels “indebted, stalked, controlled and burdened.” Her question: “Am I just being selfish, and can I train myself to like being spoiled?”

I told her she and the man were overdue for a frank talk about personal space, that she’s still healing from her divorce, and he seems so smitten or insecure that he’s preventing her from figuring out where she ends and he begins.

Many readers felt she should listen to her intuition, that the man is a potential abuser, and the traits she listed are red flags.

Today I’ll share the classic warning signs of an abuser. Read on:

• PUSHES FOR QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Comes on strong, claiming, “I’ve never felt loved like this by anyone.” An abuser presses for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.
• JEALOUS: Excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work because “you might meet someone;” checks the mileage on your car.
• CONTROLLING: Interrogates you intensely (especially if you’re late) about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.
• UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Expects you to be the perfect mate and meet his or her every need.
• ISOLATION: Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of “causing trouble.” The abuser may deprive you of a phone or car, or try to prevent you from holding a job.
• BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS OR MISTAKES: It’s always someone else’s fault if something goes wrong.
• MAKES OTHERS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OR HER FEELINGS: The abuser says, “You make me angry,” or “You’re hurting me by not doing what I tell you.”
• HYPERSENSITIVITY: Is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really mad. Rants about the injustice of things that are just a part of life.
• CRUELTY TO ANIMALS OR CHILDREN: Kills or punishes animals brutally. Also may expect children to do things far beyond their ability (whips a 3-year-old for wetting a diaper) or may tease them until they cry. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partner will also abuse children.
• “PLAYFUL” USE OF FORCE DURING SEX: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you against your will during sex; finds the idea of rape exciting.
• VERBAL ABUSE: Constantly criticizes or says blatantly cruel things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. This may also involve sleep deprivation, waking you with relentless verbal abuse.
• RIGID GENDER ROLES: Expects you to serve, obey and remain at home.
• SUDDEN MOOD SWINGS: Switches from sweet to violent in minutes.
• PAST BATTERING: Admits to hitting a mate in the past, but says the person “made” him (or her) do it.
• THREATS OF VIOLENCE: Says things like, “I’ll break your neck,” or “I’ll kill you,” then dismisses them with “Everybody talks that way” or “I didn’t really mean it.”

From Dear Abby (12/19/2007)

Related posts:

1. Domestic Violence: What Can the Judge Order?
2. Temporary Protective Orders to be Heard via Video in Montgomery County
3. Slavery is Over Ladies, He Does Not Own You …

Evil Eye

It is terrifying for a victim of domestic violence to step outside the vicious cycle their life has become and file the legal documents necessary for a temporary protective order in a court of law.  But studies have shown – and common sense dictates – that the prospect for the victim to present their case while the abuser is virtually standing next to them is unthinkable.  Surely it has given many pause in coming forward.  Bravo to the Montgomery County Family Justice Center and Foundation…may they lead the way across the country with this very significant step.

(ROCKVILLE, Md. — Sept. 28, 2009) Victims of domestic violence who come to the Montgomery County Family Justice Center (here is a great article about the Center) now have safer, easier access to justice. Thanks to a pilot program launched by the Maryland Judiciary, they can now file requests for temporary protective orders directly from the Family Justice Center and have their requests heard by judges at the Montgomery County Circuit or District Court by way of a live video link.

Video conferencing will be provided for temporary protective orders in Montgomery County courts that are ex parte — without notice to or the presence of the other party.

“The Judiciary is offering video conferencing as a way to help protect victims of domestic violence and improve access to and safety in our courthouses for all Marylanders,” said Chief Judge Ben C. Clyburn of the District Court of Maryland. “Victims no longer will have to leave the safety and security of the Family Justice Center to file petitions for protection. This will benefit victims, families and the general public we serve.”

The Montgomery County Family Justice Center opened this past spring in Rockville. Staff from the Montgomery County Sheriff’s Office, Office of State’s Attorney, Department of Health and Human Services, Montgomery County Police, House of Ruth and other private non-profits work together to provide services for domestic violence victims at the center, including help filing temporary protective orders. Protective orders generally apply to people in domestic relationships, and are issued by judges when petitioners have proved one of the following has occurred: an act that caused serious bodily harm or has placed the petitioner in fear of imminent bodily harm; an assault; rape or sexual offense; false imprisonment; or criminal stalking.

Last year, Montgomery County courts granted more than 1,850 temporary protective orders; statewide, more than 18,400 temporary protective orders were granted in Maryland’s courts.

“In addition to easier access to our courts, video conferencing reduces the danger to the victim of encountering the offender at or near the courthouse,” Judge Clyburn said. “This plan also provides more flexibility in scheduling temporary protective order cases, which is a more effective use of court time.” While they are waiting for their video hearing, victims can also receive other critical services at the Family Justice Center.

Video conferencing, which is operating as a pilot program at the Montgomery County courts, was developed in consultation with court officials, District and Circuit Court judges, the Clerk of the Circuit Court, court staff, Montgomery County government, members of the bar, other interested parties, vendors, and providers of video conferencing systems. Private funding for the equipment for this program was provided through a grant from the Verizon Wireless Hopeline Foundation.

The Montgomery County Family Justice Center also has a special room where children can play under the watch of trained volunteers. “Court buildings are not an ideal place for children, and video conferencing has an added benefit of helping to ease the stress on children, as well as reducing the disruption that is often caused by children in the courthouse or courtroom,” said Pam Harris, court administrator for the Montgomery County Circuit Court.

Family Justice Centers are fast becoming an accepted trend as they provide services for domestic violence victims at one location, enhancing their personal safety by reducing the number of places a victim has to go to receive services and minimizing barriers to services victims may face. These barriers include lack of transportation, child care, cultural issues, and language.

“Statistics have shown that the most vulnerable time for domestic violence victims is immediately following the issuance of a temporary protective order,” said Chief Deputy Darren Popkin of the Montgomery County Sheriff’s Office. “Nationwide, jurisdictions that have opened Family Justice Centers have shown a dramatic reduction in domestic related homicides among the victims that have sought services at the centers. By co-locating services, critical safety services can be coordinated by partners at the center.”

About three-quarters of people coming to Family Justice Centers throughout the United States ask for help with filing for a temporary protective order. The Judiciary has acted to improve access to services by including attorneys and advocates for domestic violence victims in courthouses across the state.

# # # # #

(Editor’s Note: For more information, contact the Maryland Judiciary Office of Communications and Public Affairs, (410) 260-1488.

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1. Domestic Violence: Legal Steps in Obtaining a Maryland Protective Order
2. Domestic Violence Billboards: Idea! – Maryland Insurance Companies Should Sponsor
3. Domestic Violence: Facing Abuse

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It is very difficult to wrap your brain around the warped reality of abusers.  Quite frankly one wonders why they insist on creating such constant drama.  It must be exhausting.  For pity’s sake, go lay in a hammock and chill.  Read a book.  Aren’t there better things to do than to live in a bad B movie day after day?

Their motivation is quite simple.  And primitive.  Can you say arrested development?  Never understood why that was not a jailable offense.  Oh wait, – in their case,  it is… But I digress.

Despite the muddied waters created by federally sponsored psychological and sociological research, strident (and oh so tired) feminist theories, the hue and cry from organizations founded by men crying persecution - men that hit women, children and animals (i.e. smaller living beings) do it for POWER and CONTROL.  The power and control gains him ownership.  Then the genius sets about to destroy that which he owns.  Does that make any sense?

Boys, you are merely sad cartoon characters. And ladies, no one that displays any of the traits listed below, is worthy of the benefit of the doubt.  Those of you reading this – caught in his web of lunacy and cycle of violence – have got to run like hell. Today. The only place he belongs is in your rear view mirror or in jail. There are people just waiting to see you through.  You just have to make the call.  Call me, call anyone, call 911, call a taxi – just get out the house.   We will find a way.  Do you really want to waste one more day cowering in the darkness?  He doesn’t own you. He certainly does not love you.  Get the money, the children, the pets, the paperwork, take the better car…and step.  One day, very soon, you are going to look back and think “what the hell was I thinking?  That man was crazy as hell…”

The List:

1.  Heavy drinking or drug abuse, especially if the substances are his excuse: “The alcohol made me do it.”  Yeah, and the devil too.

2.  Abuse during the courtship period is a guarantee of further abuse.  It will grow in frequency and severity.  He will wear you down.  That is not love – love builds you up, it does not tear you down.  Do not, repeat, do not marry him thinking you can change him.  You won’t.  You can’t change people.  C’mon, that is basic common sense 101.

3.  Morbid jealousy. What appears to be flattering attention initially, molds into an obsessive, unrelenting curse all too soon.  You will never convince him of your innocence for the imagined transgressions you have committed.

4. Past child abuse and/or witness to marital violence.  Children learn what they live. Boys tend to emulate their fathers.  Abused children discipline their own children as they were taught. He may be a “violence carrier.”  You can’t fix him.  Leave it to the professionals.  Or God – just not you.

5. Inability to handle frustration.  If he blows up like a two year old, explodes at the least little thing, and throws tantrums over minor things, he will likely act out his frustration with violence in a marriage.  The way he handles his anger is a key indicator.

6.  A violent temper. This speaks for itself.  If you feel fear when he gets angry, that is a warning signal.  Listen to the voices in your head and in your heart.  See the red flashing lights of alarm all around you.  Denial is a dead end street.

7. Cruelty to animals in any degree, abuse and mistreatment to your pets, enjoyment of the killing of hunted animals merely for the sake of killing.  What make you think he will treat you or your children any differently?

8.  Preoccupation with weapons. They are an extension of self.  If he ever “playfully” points a gun at you or other any weapon, imagine him angry and armed. Get out!

9. Mental illness. A person of unsound mind, no sense of moral responsibility or guilt, will find it difficult to control his actions.  Does he act in ways that you feel are abnormal or strange?

10. Poor self-image and insecurity about his own masculinity.  If he compulsively needs to dominate and/or monitor conversations, schedules, visitors, must always have the upper hand -  you will, sooner than later, be the subject of his control.  He will consider you his possession.  Remember POWER and CONTROL.  He truly believes he has the right to treat you as his property, to do with as he pleases. (See any definition for sociopath.)

11. Nothing is ever his fault.  Ever.  His problems are everyone else’s fault, starting with his wife or girlfriend.  It is a never ending pattern.  Because he will neither acknowledge his faults nor take responsibility when things go wrong, you, the children and the dog will be held responsible.

12.  Violence to him is normal.  It is how he solves problems.  When you were a little girl dreaming of your future husband – is this what you had in mind?

13.  Isolating his wife from family and friends, monitoring and unplugging her phone, criticizing her friends and family, taking the keys, clocking her time out of the house…and then staying out as he pleases with nary an explanation.

The Why Factor

After combing through mountains of research, reports, posts, studies, evaluations, and anything else I could get my hands on to explain how a batterer’s brain works – I found Brian Nichols. He is the Public Policy Team Manager for the wonderful group Men Stopping Violence Inc., from Atlanta, Georgia.  I hope to interview him soon because their program is having great success with respect to batterer intervention and rehabilitation. His article – Why Do Men Batter?- cuts through the many dissenting, disparate, often angry, voices that espouse their varied and inopposite opinions and theories on this topic.  He brought the question of a batterer’s motivation in for a clear landing.

Battering is not an inability to express feelings or wants, but a method by which a man does so.  When a man hits or yells at a woman, that is a choice he makes. No person or circumstance can make a man attack his partner verbally or physically. There are circumstances which may increase the likelihood that a man will batter, but no circumstances make it inevitable that a man will make abusive choices. This means that explanations of battering which are interpersonal, such as communication issues or provocation, are inaccurate. Men, rather than circumstances, are responsible for abusive choices. Thus, an accurate explanation of battering would account for the reasons men make the choice to batter rather than an outside force that causes them to batter. In short, men batter to gain power and control over another person. This explanation is profound in that it frames individual acts of violence within a pattern of behavior. The explanation of power and control has become, however, something of a cliché, and its larger implications are overlooked. One often overlooked implication is that battering is purposeful. Men choose behavior in a systematic way in order to gain power and control. There is a function to a man’s battering. That is, men batter in the short term to get a woman to do what he wants or to stop her from doing something. When a man yells at a woman, criticizing her, he knows what effect his behavior will have on her. In the short term, his yelling will cause fear and pain, and in the longer term he will destroy her personhood so that he can have power and control over her. Men who batter know and choose the effects of battering. This is disturbing because it leaves us with the question, why do men want power and control?

This article is written to the women in abusive relationships that need immediate encouragement to take that first step out of the house. Those in life threatening situations. Those that are petrified. It is only after all parties are safe and cooler (and saner) heads prevail, that we can address the remedies, rehabilitation and healing necessary for all parties.Men Stopping Violence, Inc. demonstrates there is hope for drastic change for all concerned.  I truly believe that and shall present more on the topic very shortly. My deepest thanks to Bette Midler, Goldie Hawn, Diane Keaton, Martina McBride.  God Bless you all for keeping it real.

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1. Knock Knock, Father … I’m forgetting who you are
2. Don’t Get Help, Domestic Violence is Not in the Budget
3. The Battered Woman’s Defense