Hence, the theme of most divorce cakes and/or divorce parties is the emphasis of a fresh start – and the end of a battle.

Lately, divorce cakes have become increasingly popular and are selling like hotcakes (pun intended). Most feature either the bride or the groom pushing the partner off the cake, or stabbing them in the back or otherwise inflicting some serious bodily harm. There are also predominant themes like blood, broken hearts and scattered luggage, some even during the honeymoon.

While some might consider the whole idea too violent to be funny, makers of such cakes are thrilled about the possibilities now available to them. Some people might consider it crass and insensitive while others may view it as a fitting end to a period in their lives; as well as a chance to have a good party. I like to introduce humor rather than something too sober or vindictive so I use lots of figurines interacting with each other. Divorce can be a horrible thing but I would like to think comical divorce cakes can help lighten the mood a little; per Fay Millar, a baker in Brighton, England in a report to the Daily Mail.

“I think people are definitely coming round to the idea of shouting to the world that they are back on the market. I think it used to be taboo to have such a thing as a divorce cake because it is not traditionally viewed as an event to celebrate. However, with people like Katie Price throwing divorce parties I think people are definitely coming round to the idea of celebrating the end of a relationship and shouting to the world they are back on the market.”

Below is a slideshow of the best divorce cakes online to date, compiled by yours truly- complete with music by Pink with her song “So What?”

Related posts:

1. A Plea to Parents from a Divorce Lawyer: Leave Your Kids Out of It!
2. The Art of Non-Communication – A Funny Court Divorce Story
3. Obtaining A Limited Divorce When No One Will Leave

Evil Eye

It is terrifying for a victim of domestic violence to step outside the vicious cycle their life has become and file the legal documents necessary for a temporary protective order in a court of law.  But studies have shown – and common sense dictates – that the prospect for the victim to present their case while the abuser is virtually standing next to them is unthinkable.  Surely it has given many pause in coming forward.  Bravo to the Montgomery County Family Justice Center and Foundation…may they lead the way across the country with this very significant step.

(ROCKVILLE, Md. — Sept. 28, 2009) Victims of domestic violence who come to the Montgomery County Family Justice Center (here is a great article about the Center) now have safer, easier access to justice. Thanks to a pilot program launched by the Maryland Judiciary, they can now file requests for temporary protective orders directly from the Family Justice Center and have their requests heard by judges at the Montgomery County Circuit or District Court by way of a live video link.

Video conferencing will be provided for temporary protective orders in Montgomery County courts that are ex parte — without notice to or the presence of the other party.

“The Judiciary is offering video conferencing as a way to help protect victims of domestic violence and improve access to and safety in our courthouses for all Marylanders,” said Chief Judge Ben C. Clyburn of the District Court of Maryland. “Victims no longer will have to leave the safety and security of the Family Justice Center to file petitions for protection. This will benefit victims, families and the general public we serve.”

The Montgomery County Family Justice Center opened this past spring in Rockville. Staff from the Montgomery County Sheriff’s Office, Office of State’s Attorney, Department of Health and Human Services, Montgomery County Police, House of Ruth and other private non-profits work together to provide services for domestic violence victims at the center, including help filing temporary protective orders. Protective orders generally apply to people in domestic relationships, and are issued by judges when petitioners have proved one of the following has occurred: an act that caused serious bodily harm or has placed the petitioner in fear of imminent bodily harm; an assault; rape or sexual offense; false imprisonment; or criminal stalking.

Last year, Montgomery County courts granted more than 1,850 temporary protective orders; statewide, more than 18,400 temporary protective orders were granted in Maryland’s courts.

“In addition to easier access to our courts, video conferencing reduces the danger to the victim of encountering the offender at or near the courthouse,” Judge Clyburn said. “This plan also provides more flexibility in scheduling temporary protective order cases, which is a more effective use of court time.” While they are waiting for their video hearing, victims can also receive other critical services at the Family Justice Center.

Video conferencing, which is operating as a pilot program at the Montgomery County courts, was developed in consultation with court officials, District and Circuit Court judges, the Clerk of the Circuit Court, court staff, Montgomery County government, members of the bar, other interested parties, vendors, and providers of video conferencing systems. Private funding for the equipment for this program was provided through a grant from the Verizon Wireless Hopeline Foundation.

The Montgomery County Family Justice Center also has a special room where children can play under the watch of trained volunteers. “Court buildings are not an ideal place for children, and video conferencing has an added benefit of helping to ease the stress on children, as well as reducing the disruption that is often caused by children in the courthouse or courtroom,” said Pam Harris, court administrator for the Montgomery County Circuit Court.

Family Justice Centers are fast becoming an accepted trend as they provide services for domestic violence victims at one location, enhancing their personal safety by reducing the number of places a victim has to go to receive services and minimizing barriers to services victims may face. These barriers include lack of transportation, child care, cultural issues, and language.

“Statistics have shown that the most vulnerable time for domestic violence victims is immediately following the issuance of a temporary protective order,” said Chief Deputy Darren Popkin of the Montgomery County Sheriff’s Office. “Nationwide, jurisdictions that have opened Family Justice Centers have shown a dramatic reduction in domestic related homicides among the victims that have sought services at the centers. By co-locating services, critical safety services can be coordinated by partners at the center.”

About three-quarters of people coming to Family Justice Centers throughout the United States ask for help with filing for a temporary protective order. The Judiciary has acted to improve access to services by including attorneys and advocates for domestic violence victims in courthouses across the state.

# # # # #

(Editor’s Note: For more information, contact the Maryland Judiciary Office of Communications and Public Affairs, (410) 260-1488.

Related posts:

1. Domestic Violence: Legal Steps in Obtaining a Maryland Protective Order
2. Domestic Violence: What Can the Judge Order?
3. Domestic Violence: Facing Abuse

The Daily Record/Sunday News

New billboards in York County ask: Would you recognize a victim of domestic violence?

The billboards, part of a media campaign by Access-York, show teens, an extended family and a couple.

The intent is to send a message to the community that anyone can be a victim of domestic violence, Jane Conover, managing director of the program, said in a news release.

WellSpan Health provided a grant for the billboards.

Access-York, a program of the YWCA of York, provides services to domestic violence victims. Visit www.access-york.org for more information.

Perhaps Maryland insurance companies could start giving SOMETHING BACK and pay for a few hundred billboards in Maryland, just as Wellspan Health did in New York. Think of the preventative medical costs potentially saved and the positive publicity it could generate. Or better yet, imagine saving just one life. And, in the end, you would have at least one thing to tell Jesus.

Failing that, perhaps Governor O’Malley could recommend we spend some of the VAWA STOP (Department of Justice Violence Against Women Act) federal funds – or the part of the $1.6 million allocated in our state budget earmarked for domestic violence issues. (BTW: That represents 1/200th of 1% of the state’s $31 Million dollar budget this year.)

Just a thought…

cc: Governor Martin O’Malley, Blue Cross Blue Shield

Related posts:

1. New Maryland Domestic Violence Laws Signed Today by Governor
2. New Domestic Violence Assessment Tool
3. Domestic Violence: Excellent Seven Part Series in Frederick Post

Related posts:

1. Domestic Violence Billboards: Idea! – Maryland Insurance Companies Should Sponsor
2. Domestic Violence is Real
3. Don’t Get Help, Domestic Violence is Not in the Budget

Received an email yesterday that still has me reeling.  It was no ordinary communication, the fear and desperation were palpable.  Annabelle (not her real name) had been abused physically and emotionally by her husband for many years.  In April, 2009, upon returning home from running errands, Annabelle’s husband started yet another of his endless, groundless tirades.  He was sure she was cheating on him.  His proof?  She left the apartment.  (She was at the grocery store.)

She decided then and there that she had finally had enough, and found the courage to ask him to leave.  The next day, while she was at work, he did leave.  But not before he destroyed their apartment and everything in it.   (Of course, he took his things and everything of value.)  Annabelle came home from work and found nothing left of her home but the walls.

Her husband smeared the walls and carpet with eye makeup, eggs and other food, cut and bleached every stitch of clothing she owned and left them in the overflowing bathtub.   He stopped up the sinks and left the water running (causing extensive damage to the apartments below), broke the headboard on the bed, sliced the mattress to shreds, cut all the appliance cords, tore the cable hookup out of the wall, broke off the key in the front door and climbed out the window — leaving a wake of destruction in his rear view mirror.  EVERYTHING WAS DESTROYED.  Even the irreplaceable recordings from her late father she so treasured.

When the police arrived, she was told that the last time they were called to such a destructive scene, the woman was dead in the closet with a bullet to the back of her head.   A few days later, her husband returned and finished the job by causing extensive damage to the engine of her car.   To round out his ruination, he called her place of employment in an attempt to get her fired.  And the beat goes on…

State Farm, who insured the contents of her apartment, put her in a hotel for two weeks.  They probably saved her life.  (In fact, she speaks very highly of her agent, who still calls her every day to check on her.)  When she returned, she set about restoring her home and her life.  It took her three weeks to haul the remnants of her belongings to the dumpster, to scrub the food and God knows what else from the walls and carpet.  At one point she could no longer endure the overwhelming stench and slept in her car for three days.

Here is some of what she wrote:

After that, I had no where else to stay.  I called the domestic violence hotline.  I was directed to two shelters.  I explained my situation to them.  They said that they were sorry but they were full due to the economy.  They said that there are many people that had lost their jobs and were  homeless.  They wished me the best of luck.

Then I went to Social Services.  The man there looked at me and said that he felt very sorry for me.  He looked at the pictures of my destroyed apartment and said that it was very sad.  But, he said, because of my income (she makes $14 per hour) he could not help me even with food stamps because the law requires you to make less to get help and I make way over the amount.

I did nothing but drop my head and cry.   As I walked out the man said to me this should be a lesson to me that in life people make bad choices. I just held my head down and walked out.  I sat in the car and cried because I said to myself I have called every one and they turned me away and all I did was come into this building to ask for food.  I felt so humiliated because I was very hungry.

(Note: The apartment complex refused to move her into a new apartment and wants reimbursement for the damage done to her apartment and to the apartment below.   Upon their insistence, she has just recently moved to a small basement.)

Annabelle continued to make phone calls, reaching out for assistance.  She read on the internet about a new domestic violence center in Rockville. They turned her away because she lived in Prince George’s County.

A local church would give her food…for  $69.

She even wrote letters.  The one church that responded stated the relevant person was on vacation and they would pass her request for help along – in July!

Annabelle continued to go down the list of numbers she had been given and those she found on the internet.  One of numbers was for Catholic Charities.

She was told that they don’t offer those kind of services.  Yet on their website, among the services offered – not one mile from Annabelle’s door – is the Food Share Program:

Participants may purchase $50 worth of nutritious food for only $18 and two hours of volunteer service. Packages are distributed monthly through a network of 350 churches and community organizations. Anyone may participate including clients and staff.

Yet she was again rejected.  Annabelle was given the number to UCAP – United Communities Against Poverty, a non-profit organization, headquartered in Prince George’s County.   Gwendolyn Ferguson, the Interim President & CEO in a recent letter to Donors and Constituents states:

In 2008, we worked diligently with customers facing foreclosure, those seeking emergency shelter, and individuals aspiring to become gainfully employed. Our programs have continued to serve the low to moderate income, those living in poverty and the homeless women and children seeking temporary shelter and a safe place as they work to rebuild their lives. UCAP has become a place where the citizens of Prince George’s County can find resources to help them with the challenges they face in these difficult economic times.

Among the available services UCAP offers is a Food Pantry.  Their website states:

The Food Pantry Housing Department at UCAP Food Pantry provides emergency food up to 4 days to Prince George’s County residents.  Assistance is available once a month.  The pantry is a host for the county SHARE Program, resident can obtain a full menu of groceries for $16.00.  During Thanksgiving the pantry provides holiday provisions for needy families.

Their slogan?  To do nothing is not an option.

Yet they did nothing and Annabelle was turned away from UCAP, because she did not qualify for any assistance.  They suggested that she call the Salvation Army.  Annabelle was hungry.  That should have been qualification enough.

The Salvation Army told Annabelle they could not help her at this time, citing the economy, and gave her the 800 number to another domestic violence hot line.  One of the services they offer to those in need is the Emergency Assistance Program:

The Emergency Assistance Program provides eligible Washington, DC residents with assistance for rent, food, utility bills, clothing, furniture, and transportation. This year, almost 150,000 people received help with these basic needs.

She said this about that:

I sat at work and cried.  I had been to every place known to man seeking help.  I was really scared.  The first thing that came to my mind was that President Obama just gave these organizations all this money and yet I am in a serious situation and no one will even give me food, not to mention help me with clothes.  At this point I got very angry and tired.

Hunger was beginning to take its toll.  Add to this Greek tragedy, the obligatory unrelenting phone calls from her husband.  Afraid of raising his ire, she felt compelled to appease him and listen to the rants of this lunatic.  A bully without his punching bag.  What is he to do?  They don’t like it when their toys are taken away.

The Criminal Charges

Annabelle turned to the judicial system.  She went to the Commissioner’s Office to file criminal charges for, at the very least, malicious destruction.  She was turned away.   (It is a wonder she didn’t go postal at this point.)  The Commissioner said because they were married all property was shared.  In other words, he can destroy the marital home because he is “destroying his own property.”   She told him of the physical abuse, the last occurrence of which was February, 2009.  She told him that her husband calls her incessantly, despite her request that he leave her alone.  What about assault, battery, malicious use of the telephone, harassment?  Her facts all fit well within establishing probable cause of each of these statutes – certainly enough to file the charges.  Her story fell on deaf ears.

Annabelle went back two days later and another Commissioner filed charges for malicious destruction.  A no contact order was issued until the criminal trial was held.

Her husband continued to call every day, sometimes in the early morning hours.  When she reminded him of the no contact order, he said that no one will tell him he can’t talk to his wife.  Consistent with the personality of a narcissistic sociopath, he was all over the map.  He would range from calling her a whore to begging her to take him back.  Still, she felt that if she refused his calls, it would only anger him.  She remained vulnerable and alone in the empty apartment.

Annabelle had a lengthy meeting with a Prince George’s County Assistant State’s Attorney (ASA) who was very encouraging about obtaining a conviction for the charges.  However, when the day of court arrived, another Assistant State’s Attorney was assigned the case.  She refused to go forward with the prosecution, citing the same interpretation of the malicious destruction law as the first Commissioner.  The charges were nolle prosequi – no prosecution.

This is Annabelle’s description of the criminal trial saga:

I went to court on time.  I took all my paper work and waited for court.  I saw my husband being taken out of the court room.  The judge went into recess.  I went to the bathroom, because I was upset.   I did not even see the State’s Attorney that I talked with.  I was told she was in another court room.  The next thing I know a lady came behind me and said they talked with my state’s attorney and stated they  are not going to go further with the case.  I was told that since my husband and I were married it is Maryland law that everything is joint – so basically he destroyed his own property.  I cried and told the woman that some of that property I had before I was married.  I told her that when my husband came to this country he had nothing but his clothes.  I told her: Mrs. you don’t know how I feel at this point.  This is why a lot of woman die each day because they beg for help and no one helps them.  This man took everything from me and all the justice system can tell me is sorry and send me on my way.  I went home and screamed at the top of my lungs.   I even asked God why this is happening to me?  I have done every thing,  called every number I have been given, spent countless hours on the net seeking help and no one will help me.

As a point of law, there is nothing in the criminal statute or in Maryland case law which prohibits the State from arguing and applying the marital property standard for property.  In other words, if you brought it into the marriage or it was a gift solely to you – it is not joint (marital) property.  Perhaps the State was concerned with their conviction rate?  Is it too much to ask the ASA to think outside the box in applying the law?   Law is after all based on logic.  Or it is supposed to be.

The Protective Orders

On May 6, 2009, Annabelle went to the House of Ruth to seek legal assistance, having gotten their number from the Domestic Hotline.   She was interviewed by an attorney (a woman no less) who promised she would get back to her.  In her next breath, however, she said that she was very busy with cases and had no time to represent her.  She claimed they were underfunded and overwhelmed. WTH?  Maryland just got over $25 million dollars for fiscal year 2009 from the federal government completely dedicated to DOMESTIC VIOLENCE issues.  More about that later in a series of investigative articles.  From the House of Ruth’s website:

Offering comprehensive, far-reaching services for nearly three decades, The House Of Ruth Maryland never closes. We are always here for victims of domestic violence, their children, family, friends, workplaces, schools and our communities.  The House of Ruth Maryland boasts one of the nation’s largest domestic violence Legal Clinics.  The Clinic offers a variety of services including counseling, advocacy, and representation at no cost to victims of domestic violence.

Annabelle was given yet another number to call.  Before leaving, she swallowed her pride and plead with the House of Ruth lawyer in an attempt to convey the very real danger she was in.  She was dismissed.  She went home, sat on the floor of her empty apartment and cried.  She did not know what to do.

The next day, she rallied.  Annabelle called Legal Aid and spoke with one of their attorneys.  Once again, she was turned away, citing the economy and  her large caseload. To make matters worse, the attorney incorrectly told Annabelle that she was ineligible for a protective order because the last physical abuse was too remote, having occurred in February, 2009.  Well, even if that were true, which it is not – there is no specified time for the filing of a protective order under Maryland law – the malicious destruction and harassment would make Annabelle eligible.  What Annabelle heard was – sorry, kid, you have to wait till he hits you again.  Then, come on back and take a number.

In the interim, Annabelle wrote to at least a dozen private attorneys, none of whom responded.

Still determined, Annabelle filed and was granted an Interim Protective Order.  However, because the Prince George’s County Sheriff’s Office did not act with their statutorily imposed due diligence, to immediately serve the abuser, the case was dismissed because the summons was not served within thirty days.  This despite Annabelle’s many trips to the Sheriff’s office supplying the exact location where he could be served in another county as well as his phone number.  The very phone number that appeared on her cell phone from her husband’s present location in his daily telephone harassment campaign.  The relevant statute is as follows:

Md. Code FL § 4-504.1(f) requires the law enforcement officer to serve the Petition and interim order on the respondent immediately upon receiving the documents. The officer likewise is required immediately to file a return of service with the commissioner Or, during normal court hours, with the District Court Clerk’s Office.

If this case were not so tragic, it would be funny – a comedy of errors, as it were.  This woman was not seeking pity.  She needed legitimate help.  Over and over, domestic violence victims are encouraged to leave their abusers.  To what end?  Their own?  To then be abused and insulted by the government and the organizations accepting government funds to aid these domestic violence victims?

She was completely and utterly alone.  She had nothing — no bed, no underwear, no shoes.  Nothing.

Now, hope was gone.  Take a moment, put yourself in her shoes place.

Girl Power

After reading her email, we spoke on the phone last evening. We ran through all the legal, governmental, non-profit  and private resources for someone in her position.  After hanging up, I called the one person I knew that would drop everything to help – a stranger.  My mother.  Within one hour, (by this time it is close to 10:00 p.m.) I had received three phone calls from her friends and a movement was started.  One immediately called Annabelle and counseled her.  Another posted a plea on a web forum asking for clothes, food, furniture. They all hit their closets.  A prayer circle was started.  They all followed up today.  Meanwhile, Annabelle and I decided on a  a legal strategy.  Charles Kuralt was right when he said “[T]he everyday kindness of the back roads more than makes up for the acts of greed in the headlines.”

Annabelle slept last night for the first time in many, many days.  She was no longer alone. Today we received this email.

Good morning MM, Sue and Eileen.  I thank you and Connie for coming into my life.  I have been going at this situation alone.   I know I am young and still have a lot of things in life to learn, but I feel no one should have to endure what I have been through.   Also, I am sad that not even the justice system could help, but I am hoping one day someone will realize that married or not DOMESTIC VIOLENCE is an (important) issue and there are many women that go through very bad situations.   Some that can’t get out and a cry for help turns out in death because no one would care or listen.    So I am thanking you from the bottom of my heart that someone is there to listen.

Sue Mitchell in News Leader.com wrote today of her hope to abolish domestic violence.

…Today is a new day. It is a day for change! Today we have the God-given right and power to make the decision to stand tall. Standing tall is not about religious, political, sexual preferences; it is not about our social standing. Standing tall is merely choosing to raise our voices in intercession for those who through their own circumstances do not have the capability to lift their own. By choosing this day to stand tall, we have the capability to inspire the young women of our nation to look past the obstacles’ standing in their life’s pathways, to rise above their situations, that they can impact the future of this great nation.

As a domestic violence survivor, and as someone who has lost a dear friend to domestic violence, I can tell you I know a thing or two about hope. I can tell you that hope is a mainstay for a future filled with promise, a future without abuse. Hope is the driving force that gives the most impossible of situations the glimmer of betterment. Hope is the driving force to escape domestic violence. There are thousands of women across this great nation each year that cling to this hope. It is by this hope that they have the courage to face yet another day, and find the courage to escape from the horrors of domestic abuse.

She quoted Dr. King’s famous “I have a Dream” speech:

With this faith, we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope. With this faith, we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood. And if America is to be a great nation, this must become true.

Shame on each and every person and entity in the State of Maryland that turned their back on Annabelle.  This saga could have turned out very differently  – once again.   How many more headlines?   This is not complicated.  It is about common decency.  It is about kindness, the golden chain by which society is bound together. (Goethe)  Wake up knuckleheads!

On the whole, the officials and residents of Prince George’s County are good and decent.  I am proud to say I was born and raised there.  Our judiciary, representatives and State’s Attorney, Glenn Ivey, are top notch.  The purpose of this article is to illuminate one resident’s life that almost slipped through the cracks.  That is one life too many.

Perhaps Annabelle was chosen for a broader purpose.  If nothing else, her story should reawaken in each of us the very values and standards upon which this country was founded.  We must “transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood.  And if America is to be a great nation, this must become true.” One can only hope. But try telling that tell to Annabelle.

This poem was written anonymously:

I got flowers today.

It wasn’t my birthday or any other special day. We had our first argument last night, and he said a lot of cruel things that really hurt me.   I know he is sorry

and didn’t mean the things he said because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today.

It wasn’t our anniversary or any special day.  Last night he threw me into a wall and started to choke me.  It seemed like a nightmare.  I couldn’t believe it was real. I woke up this morning sore and bruised all over.  I know he must be sorry because he sent me flowers today, and it wasn’t Mother’s Day or any other special day. Last night he beat me up again, and it was much worse than all the other times. If I leave him, what will I do?  How will I take care of my kids? What about money?  I’m afraid of him and scared to leave.  But I know he must be sorry.  Because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today.

Today was a very special day. It was the day of my funeral.  Last night he finally killed me.  He beat me to death. If only I had gathered the courage and strength to leave him.

I would not have gotten flowers today.

Thanks to Kathyrn at Escaping the Trap.

Related posts:

1. Domestic Violence: Excellent Seven Part Series in Frederick Post
2. Domestic Violence: Facing Abuse
3. Domestic Violence is Real