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The Battered Woman’s Defense

Constance Camus — Thu, 11 Aug 2011 22:05:35 +0000

Disclaimer: Do Not Try This at Home.

The great jazz singer Dinah Washington sings “Send Me to the Electric Chair” from her Bessie Smith album
c.1958

Dinah Washington

And by the Dixie Chicks, Goodbye Earl:

Knock Knock, Father … I’m forgetting who you are

Constance Camus — Tue, 24 May 2011 13:39:01 +0000

A powerful poet delivers a flawless message. One of the best parts in this phenomenal piece is when Mr. Beaty says: “Yes, we are our fathers’ sons and daughters, But we are not their choices.” So many young men and women need to hear and understand this truth. The truth is that children in dysfunctional families have a choice whether they will fall victim to their upbringing. Although a toxic household can crush their self-esteem, cloud their vision, and thwart normal loving relationships, the distortion of their natural instincts can be reversed. They must see the problems of their elders as an example of how not to conduct one’s self. By so doing, they are empowered and can set themselves free to become the person they were created to be. Healed and whole.

As a boy, I shared a game with my father—
Played it every morning till I was three.
He would knock knock on my door,
And I’d pretend to be asleep till he got right next to the bed.
Then I would get up and jump into his arms.
“Good morning, Papa.”
And my Papa, he would tell me that he loved me.
We shared a game,
Knock knock,
Until that day when the knock never came,
And my Mama takes me on a ride past cornfields
on this never-ending highway
Till we reach a place of high rusty gates.
A confused little boy,
I enter the building carried in my Mama’s arms.
Knock knock.
We reach a room of windows and brown faces.
Behind one of the windows sits my father.
I jump out of my Mama’s arms and run joyously towards my Papa’s,
Only to be confronted by this window.
I knock knock trying to break through the glass,
Trying to get to my father.
I knock knock as my Mama pulls me away
Before my Papa even says a word.
And for years, he has never said a word.
And so, 25 years later, I write these words
For the little boy in me who still awaits his Papa’s knock.
“Papa, come home, ‘cause I miss you.
I miss you waking me up in the morning and telling me you love me.
Papa, come home, ‘cause there’s things I don’t know,
And I thought maybe you could teach me
How to shave,
How to dribble a ball,
How to talk to a lady,
How to walk like a man.
Papa, come home, ‘cause I decided awhile back
I want to be just like you, but I’m forgetting who you are.”
And 25 years later, a little boy cries.
And so I write these words and try to heal
And try to father myself.
And I dream up a father
Who says the words my father did not.
“Dear son, I’m sorry I never came home.
For ever lesson I failed to teach, hear these words:
‘Shave in one direction with strong deliberate strokes
To avoid irritation.
Dribble the page with the brilliance of your ballpoint pen.
Walk like a God, and your Goddess will come to you.
No longer will I be there to knock on your door,
So you must learn to knock for yourself.
Knock knock down doors of racism and poverty that I could not.
Knock knock on doors of opportunity
For the lost brilliance of the black men who crowd these cells.
Knock knock with diligence for the sake of your children.
Knock knock for me.
For as long as you are free,
These prison gates cannot contain my spirit.
The best of me still lives in you.
Knock knock with the knowledge that you are my son,
But you are not my choices.”
Yes, we are our fathers’ sons and daughters,
But we are not their choices.
For despite their absences,
We are still here,
Still alive,
Still breathing,
With the power to change this world
One little boy and girl at a time.
Knock knock,
Who’s there?
We are.

Daniel Beaty

Poet, writer, performer

Chris Brown is Literally the Dumbest Man Alive

Constance Camus — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 12:19:25 +0000

A Nurturing Soul Does Not Compute with a Sociopath

Constance Camus — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 13:51:23 +0000

Happened upon this insightful blog, Understanding Domestic Violence by Natalie Fleming, about why women stay in abusive relationships.

Many are often shocked to find an otherwise healthy and strong woman in an abusive situation and wonder why and how this happens.

This women is a nurturer. She has nurtured her own soul, conquered herself to find joy in the world.

She meets a man who seems to be so close to winning. He’s almost conquered himself. She finds great pleasure and joy in watching and taking part in the nurturing of other’s souls. She sees how beautiful he is. She wants him to win his inner battles. She wants to be a part of this great battle.

Prisoner of Domestic Violence

She sees his behavior change from kind and loving, to mean and cruel, and believes she is watching an inner battle of self being waged. She wants him to win the good fight. She sees the worth of his soul, and feels the battle is worth the wages.

This loving, nurturing woman joins the man in his own personal battle as a loving friend and wife.

But she doesn’t understand his swift mood changes from kind to cruel, are not representative of an internal battle over self, but merely manipulative behaviors, designed to gain power over others.

He is not battling over self control, but dominating the souls and hearts of others.

In the end, she finds herself in a painful powerless position having lost herself serving him, loving him, sacrificing for him, in the illusion he will be moved by her love to win.

But their is no battle within him. His heart is not moved. There is no battle to be won. She will lose everything in a quest that never was.

And the devil will rejoice in the crumbling of another soul, that was once previously strong.

Her whole life, her great quest to save her husband, is nothing but a lie.

Understanding Domestic Violence by Natalie Fleming

Know the Traits Common to Abusers

Constance Camus — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 18:28:47 +0000

This is an ageless article from Dear Abby with potentially lifesaving advice. Know the signs, listen to the voices. Trust your instincts.

Dear Readers: Yesterday I printed the feedback I received regarding a letter from “Smothered in Michigan,” a recently divorced mother of two. Her ex-husband had been an alcoholic. She’s now dating his “polar opposite” who “treats her like a queen” and is “loving, affectionate, generous and caring.”

Wolf in Sheeps Clothing

She went on to say he stops by her job “only a few” times a day, and the minute she’s home he shows up at her door. All her dinners are with him – he pays for everything – and he doesn’t leave until her kids go to bed. He spends every waking hour with her and accompanies her wherever she goes. She said she knows she should feel grateful, but instead feels “indebted, stalked, controlled and burdened.” Her question: “Am I just being selfish, and can I train myself to like being spoiled?”

I told her she and the man were overdue for a frank talk about personal space, that she’s still healing from her divorce, and he seems so smitten or insecure that he’s preventing her from figuring out where she ends and he begins.

Many readers felt she should listen to her intuition, that the man is a potential abuser, and the traits she listed are red flags.

Today I’ll share the classic warning signs of an abuser. Read on:

PUSHES FOR QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Comes on strong, claiming, “I’ve never felt loved like this by anyone.” An abuser presses for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.
JEALOUS: Excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work because “you might meet someone;” checks the mileage on your car.
CONTROLLING: Interrogates you intensely (especially if you’re late) about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.
UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Expects you to be the perfect mate and meet his or her every need.
ISOLATION: Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of “causing trouble.” The abuser may deprive you of a phone or car, or try to prevent you from holding a job.
BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS OR MISTAKES: It’s always someone else’s fault if something goes wrong.
MAKES OTHERS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OR HER FEELINGS: The abuser says, “You make me angry,” or “You’re hurting me by not doing what I tell you.”
HYPERSENSITIVITY: Is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really mad. Rants about the injustice of things that are just a part of life.
CRUELTY TO ANIMALS OR CHILDREN: Kills or punishes animals brutally. Also may expect children to do things far beyond their ability (whips a 3-year-old for wetting a diaper) or may tease them until they cry. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partner will also abuse children.
“PLAYFUL” USE OF FORCE DURING SEX: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you against your will during sex; finds the idea of rape exciting.
VERBAL ABUSE: Constantly criticizes or says blatantly cruel things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. This may also involve sleep deprivation, waking you with relentless verbal abuse.
RIGID GENDER ROLES: Expects you to serve, obey and remain at home.
SUDDEN MOOD SWINGS: Switches from sweet to violent in minutes.
PAST BATTERING: Admits to hitting a mate in the past, but says the person “made” him (or her) do it.
THREATS OF VIOLENCE: Says things like, “I’ll break your neck,” or “I’ll kill you,” then dismisses them with “Everybody talks that way” or “I didn’t really mean it.”

From Dear Abby (12/19/2007)